Not Turning Away
by Sansele
Summary: Yui faces up to the decisions that she made while being Seiryuu no Miko, the good and the bad.


Not Turning Away

It's nice sitting here, writing in my diary, and letting the sunshine from the window warm me. I find it's a good time to remember the past, especially what happened in the book with Miaka. Those months, or hours in our world, were some of the worst I can say to have experienced, and I must admit, most of it was my fault. 

I think the first thing that amazed me about the ShiJinTienChiNoSho, is the fact that Miaka came out on top. Usually, I'm the one who does so, whether academically or socially. It quite perturbed me when I first thought about it, but then again, Miaka does deserve an environment where she is welcome. A lot of our classmates see her only as 'Baka Miaka', and often wonder why I'm such good friends with her. But in reality, I need her just as much as she needs me, perhaps even more. Everybody needs someone who they can depend on, rely on, and Miaka was that person to me.

I remember that I had a foolish infatuation on Tamahome. I really can't understand what happened. But that made me turn away from Miaka, from the safety that she offered, and turn to Nakago, who turned out to be just using me. I trusted him just because he had saved me from being raped, without knowing fully who he was, and what he wanted with me. And I loved him. I threw what feelings I had on Tamahome, then on Nakago. I bitterly regret that, because Suboshi loved me, and because of my hatred, I was completely unwilling to even consider him, even though he was probably the best choice out of the three to make. 

This world in the book had really caused me to lose control of my mind, rendering me unable to think straight, and as such, created so much trouble and chaos. The most tragic thing I find, is that I can't make amends for what I did. I insisted that Tamahome should love me, while Miaka was the one who went back into the book to look for him a second time. And she went back for me as well. That is something I am now very grateful for. She and Tamahome were the ones who woke me up later, that I was denying the truth inside me, that I had committed such grave errors. I still tried to pretend, that I would never do anything so foolish. That didn't click with the image of Hongo Yui that I knew. But I knew one thing: The situation had changed. And I wasn't happy to be at the bottom. 

I made other errors. I think the most foolish one was the Seiryuu-given wishes. I completely blew all of them on getting revenge on Tamahome and Miaka, none of which really worked. Only the last one had any use, but could have been saved if I had not been self-centred, and forgotten about the fact that I am the Seiryuu no Miko, and should have wished for peace and prosperity for Kutou first. That would have been the sane, correct thing to do. 

And I can't forget Suboshi. He took care of me, and yet I kicked his feelings into the mud, never even bothering about him once. I have Tetsuya now, but that doesn't stop me wondering about the one person who I should have loved. I think I might have been able to stop him from killing Tamahome's siblings, but that's too late now. So many people died because of my hatred, it's almost physically painful to look back. And Suboshi saved me again, when Tenkou tried to take over the world. And yet, I was unable to return his kindness. It makes me feel sad.

It's not the best thing to do, looking back at the past, but at least it gave me the chance to see where I went wrong, to see the consequences of my actions, and to make sure I never do them again. And Miaka and Tetsuya have been comforting me, reassuring me, telling me that I somehow redeemed myself by becoming the Genbu no Miko, and sealing Tenkou, even though it was only for a short time. I don't quite feel that way, but I know, whatever it is, I can no longer act as if whatever happened in the book meant nothing.

I'm not turning away again, not turning away from confronting my deepest shame and sin, not turning away from my best friend ever again. It's the only way I'll ever be able to heal. Even though the healing must hurt.


End file.
